Origins

Are you not afraid of me child?
Does not all this blood scare you?
That this is your father on my lap dying in pain
And that I am the one who is as you see devouring him!
Asked the divinity,
A face of a lion under the roof of snake heads

Afraid? How can I be when I have not known its meaning?
Not known fear in any form since I have seen you
Always, till now when I looked into my heart
Now I am seeing you with open eyes
What is pain now, what is death, what is life?
I am in surrender
Says the child, transfixed at the face of the presence

What is the ‘I’ in me now lord?
The self is no longer what was
‘I’ and ‘me’ are no longer words with meaning
I feel like a drop of water in the ocean of you
But the ocean scares me, it seems so unstill, ravaging, storming.
How shall I let go and merge into it?
How will I find the ‘me’ when I mix in you?
I asked.

Fear not child, when you fall into me, you are me
And once me you shall not need to find the ‘you’
And then you shall know that you have finished your search
And that your fears are what led you to me
The ocean is calm and gentle; close your eyes that you see with
Open the eyes of feeling; open the eyes in the soul
And you shall see, but only if you surrender to me
I hear the wind speak

I close my eyes; I see the ocean now calm
I hear its waves gentle to the touch, like a feet stepping on lotus
I ask if I can open my eyes now, I hear a ‘yes’
I find myself in the lotus he holds in one hand
Sleeping like an infant, and him watching me, like a mother
He is my mother.

she asks

My wife asks me often why I just let go
I told her that I let go of myself once for it helps
It changed me from the ‘me’ I was to the ’me’ I always wanted to be
And this is the’ me’: disconnected, free of all desires
Only for you I come into this world of desires
Why you would ask, I don’t have anything nor do I care
I cannot be me without her though
For that is the only string that binds me to this world as human
I cannot leave for if I do I cannot answer myself
I cannot be what they want me to be for I am myself
I cannot be me or myself so I cannot be alive
I cannot die for I will hate to see tears in her eyes
Pity
What a pity
It’s not a pity to me
I cannot live in a death of myself
Nor can I revel in the life of my death
The dawn of my life is my attachment to her
And the sunset is me
All else is the noon where it scorches me
But it rains once in a while
And I can feel the soul wet in its tears
But I don’t search anymore for a promised land
For I never promised myself such
Never have I nor shall I.

And peace

silent and gentle
As the blooming rose bush
Real as the scent they scent the air with
darker than the night
brighter than the day
far more true than the truth itself
it cites no arrival sign,
it leaves a mark, so much of pain
unimaginable
no one is hurt , the body shows no wound
the mind knows the bleeding of the soul
when his scythe reaps the soul
the turmoil of life ends, peace begins

She sought

==================================
Does the feeling and the craving fade?
Does she still yearn for the touch of a youthful hand?
Would it caress her skin, make her feel like a woman again?
Or is it all lost for her now that she is old and frail?
Will she be in bliss as once she had been?
Will the blood in her veins sing?
Will her desires sting, make way for her to own love again?
Of flesh, of bliss, of pure lustful wants?
Will she ever find?

Boom I exploded

Conversations with the self:

What I dream of, what I am, what I forget myself in
That is what you are, what are you
Why does the mind in commitment follow on your trails?
And make my mind explode in a dust of the glass
Feeds me the happiness that is so un-consolable, uncontainable
The thoughts of you, one who is strangely unseen and unknown by large
Why does this mind wander in futile searches like such?
Is it the end of my so called self or is it the birth of a ‘me’ that I had hid!
I search to not find these answers, for their mystery feeds my veins
Fills them with the blood of your cravings
More often than not of why I should not think so

Its been a while she said.

On the shores of lone I shall seek
One that I have not seen,
On one hand I hold my life; on the other I seek you
I have no reasons for these,
I think so often and now

But I know somewhere deep
I don’t know who you are, nor do I want to
It’s just the chance meeting I crave

I can see pink mist
And bluish white diamonds and those streaks of pale gentle greens streaks
And the golden yellow sun light
And the anklet's chimes

And someone who is cast in snow and ice.. a slight drizzle

One of those beautiful unclothed untouched sculptures in a pose artistic
That seems to say a lot more with their eyes
Which are closed
Shy

Have u ever felt that pain between your eyes
when you have not slept

Or a long time and u don’t want
to sleep
where the heart is sinking

and melting into your own blood bleeding into a clear stream the circles you
and it seems to just show me figurines like the snow maiden I described

and I have woken up after a thousand years
and I see the world spinning around and it shows you inside it
you remember that toy we used to see in the early times
a globe u push it and it has a maiden inside which shows
when its spinning it opens up like a lotus

I should not say this but I wish you were the blood that circulated in my eyes
but that is me as me

and those pictures don’t describe u
I guess nothing can
except a sound

Voices

What could I say, make believe, fantasize?
When the world I see is not mine
Where are the things I miss, why do I,
And what shall happen next, why I think
And mention such, and so much that makes no sense
Debt ridden, doubt harboring, daft and desolate my heart

How shall I while away these thoughts?
The ones that visit me only a few seconds every minute
And spoil the the 15 left
With me ending up a worry wart
Is it me or is it my choices that has brought me here, left me behind
Or is it my ignorance, that I subject my heart to such callousness

I shall not find an answer, no one does, nor will anyone
I talk for myself, not you, not him nor her
Why does the heart feel so lost?
And left isolated again, and over
Amongst the millions of souls I own

Such to ask are vile and in vain, in a heart load of pain,
What shall I ask more than lunacy!
As I feel it’s set out to meet me already
Where will we meet, when shall we, somewhere deep I hear,
My heart thinks aloud, I await now, stare into space

Amongst that

I still wander there in the hopes
Where finding you is never felt
But the lament of heart keeps my perusal alive
When I walk the countryside now
Seeing the mist trail
Somehow they swirl
Like you tread through them, and ran
Hid amongst the mountainside
Or maybe by the lake
Sometimes the winds blow the mist away
I wish they don’t and the mist stays
For your only form of presence left visible now
Where my imagination is in rendition
Amongst the old mist trail

Long gone Spring

Red, like the shade of my own flows
under my skin, the sun sets across
the night falls, its chill piercing my soul
and I curl into myself under the black sky

I yearn for her touch, her voice, her smell
and I feel the pain in my heart
like a thousand needles
inching through my skin

only to scrape it, the sweat would make it burn the next day
and remind me of my pains of yesterday
only to bring me more of such trauma
of loving a passing spring flower

and then one day I shall lay
on my back, open eyes, not anymore blink
and call out in a silent inaudible cry
that time it shall be the eye, stoned in your waiting

Echoes in the darkness

She often sits there, beside me, her feet in the water flowing
she will often blink, ask me silly things
things that bring joy, hurt now in her absence
she would ask, why is the sky blue? why do birds sing?
I would answer the sky is tee reflection of your blue eyes
the birds are the echo of your voice
she would call my name, i would hold her close
feel the blood in my veins , it had warmth
I woke up today,nowhere,
I can hear her sometimes, calling my name

Dead before Admittance

The blues shall call me
And take me away
Take me in its depths; embrace me in its calmness
Merge me into the darkness
And fade me away, but the memories in me shall remain
And when long forgotten i am i still shall remember
My heart warmed in a presence, now cannot bring it back
For the i have left the world behind
Those skies faded in the first light
The autumn breeze stopped short of touching me,
Maybe it did, i don’t know, i couldn't feel
And the sky grew nightly
Something hurt, but felt it fade,
My dreams have now all run away
And so has her voice,
The ears stopped yearning for her voice
Once which soothed,
It was long ago, back then, i could play
I was crippled, love a handicap
I still miss her now and then

Transit

Am on the road again.
And all that I have known is fading fast
It’s a blur, when I look back
Receding lanes, forgotten faces
Feeling the needles of the winter chill
The open jeep , I never drove at a 160 before, I did it now
The mind paralyzed , frozen in desires forsaken long
I am not one with me, unlike men, I can see me, as if on 35 mm
often rewound and replayed
I move on
Someday I will stop and look back
Watch myself fade as the road does now

Dear Dearest

Its always been a wish
to fly with the birds, far from known
only to rest, eat, fly again
to get to the destination i call home
somewhere in the clouds
I shall fly once, at least may try once
Will you fly alongside?
I promise to be the leading bird
now and forever, to help you fly easy
I still await you
Amongst these misty hills
arrive, whenever you please
I will wait, forever..

In waiting

Fade, then elude me again
Appear on the horizon of my world
Look down from the corridors of the dreams
The one that i see with open eyes
I reach out to touch the image
Only for it to swirl and evade
Shall i fly, reach the heights,see those eyes
To find the colour in them , unknown to me
Or shall i fall, only to crave for it again
These are my questions i do not have answers for
But i shall find them
Find you, someday
Untill then

This place

What shall end up here?

I ask myself often

Shall it be poetry or shall it be random writings?

Shall it be evil, shall it be pious, shall it be nice and sane?

Shall it be me, or shall it be her?

Shall it make me wonder, make her understand?

To often ask the same questions i return,

Sometimes ponder,

Shall i know what lives in my mind,

If whatever does shall it ever speak to me?

Shall it remain as a shadow of the dreams i erased

Should i know what it is about,

should I tell them what is in my head?

I shall escape again, when alone for a while

Write about the one in my mind ,

How I fear it, but how much I am mystified,

Like all humans I seek chaos,

Unstated, Unsaid, Subliminal;